E3 is a lie. Every year there’s a hidden agenda which exists beyond plain sight - a Stygian undertow, dragging the gaming industry from the safety of the shore. It’s time to expose the truth, with the righteous outrage of a DedSec hacker with grumpyface emojis for eyes.
You’re smart, so you won’t accept this without question. You demand proof. In 2011, E3’s sinister message was boats. In 2012, it was the dangers of flying. This year it’s the grappling hook. It looks innocuous, doesn’t it? Batman, Link, Scorpion from Mortal Kombat - they all love a good grappling hook. Well, put on your They Live sunglasses and smell the truth dew, sheeple. It’s clearly a potent metaphor for the E3 Illuminati reaching for lofty places, leaving the gaming proles to wallow in filth beneath them. It’s time to take the power back, by which I mean, ‘write this ludicrous list feature.’
Maybe ReCore is allowed a grappling hook because it’s the central focus of the game. Joule uses it to yank cores out of robot enemies, for reasons that are entirely her own, and it can also be used to traverse the world, with the help of her horrid spider minion, Seth. Or maybe, this is just the first stone that starts the landslide. Grappling Hook Zero.
If you want to live your life like a cowed robot hound, constructed to be faithful, ReCore is released in September 2016, exclusively for Xbox One.
Don’t be fooled by developer Jason VandenBerghe’s resemblance to a benevolent wizard of blades. For Honor is part of the conspiracy. Using a grappling hook for sieges is acceptable - using in a historical jumble of floating cities is not. It’s a ruse designed to draw attention away from the fact that grappling hooks are in every game at E3. Well, eight. Shhh.
You can continue your serfdom by buying For Honor when it’s released on February 14, 2017 on PS4, Xbox One and PC.
I don’t want to be mean about Titanfall 2’s grappling hook. It’s amazing. It lets you catapult yourself over massive robots and has the best ‘hanging in the air feel’ since Bionic Commando. And that’s why I’m sad it’s been misappropriated by the E3 New World Order, and now represents the rubbery symbolism for our unending fight against destructive consumerism.
If you’re nothing more than a giant armoured shell dedicated to dying for someone else’s cause, Titanfall 2 comes to PS4, Xbox One and PC in December 2016
It’s a grappling hook. Let’s not get into a semantic argument about what constitutes a hook. Instead, we’ll go with whatever vague notion that suits my already crumbling argument, and agree that yes, Spider-man definitely uses a grappling hook. We are but flies caught in the Illuminati’s web, waiting to be wrapped in silk and sucked dry, but not in a sexy way.
If that sounds like the sort of thing you want, you monster, Insomniac’s Spider-man will be released exclusively for PS4 at some unspecified date in our doomed future.
The next Call of Duty is the most exciting entry in the series since the first Modern Warfare. In fact, until the iron sights popped up halfway through the trailer, you’d struggle to find much identifying it as a Call of Duty title. Here, grappling hooks are used to tether yourself to spacecraft in a shining, zero-gravity firefight. An inventive twist on a tired format, or more proof of an insidious traversal cabal? You decide. Actually, don’t. I’ve already decided.
Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare is released on PS4, Xbox One and PC on November 4, 2016. You’ve been warned.
Horizon looks beautiful. Any game that lets me ride motorised cattle can’t be all bad, surely? Unfortunately, Horizon doesn’t just have one grappling hook, but many. It’s almost like they don’t care if you notice, or like there’s actually no grappling hook conspiracy at all. It’s brazen.
Horizon Zero Dawn comes exclusively to PS4 in February 2017. There’s no joke in this one. I’m overwhelmed by hooks.
No motorcycle should use a grappling hook. It’s wicked and unusual, like a polar bear in charge of a salad bar. Even Street Hawk didn’t have a grappling hook, and that was the most technologically advanced bike ever made. No. As wonderful as Trials of the Blood Dragon looks, we must cast it aside for breaking the laws of conveyance.
If you want to bunnyhop your bike of lies up the ramp of bland servitude, however, Trials of the Blood Dragon is out now on PS4, Xbox One and PC.
I’ll finish with Emily’s tentacles from Dishonored 2. This is partly because I need a reason for having ‘emily dishonored tentacles’ in my search history, but also because seven grappling hooks is just coincidence, but eight is proof of ominous powers at work. And what better game to illustrate the inescapable dread of an authoritarian system than Dishonored?
Dishonored 2 comes to PS4, Xbox One and PC on November 11, 2016. Until next year - stay grounded, comrades.