ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER's Top 10 Games of 2016

Posted on 12/30 13:13 in | 0

ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER IS A MAN WITHOUT ASPIRATIONS. HE IS PATENTLY UNQUALIFIED TO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS WEBSITE OR ANY OTHER. IN ALL LIKELIHOOD HE IS PRESENTLY DRUNK. AND IF HE AIN'T DRUNK HE'S TOO FUCKING HUNG OVER TO EVEN HOLD HIS HEAD UP AT A RESPECTABLE ANGLE. HE'S ONLY HERE BECAUSE GIANT BOMB THINKS ITS CUTE TO BRING HIM AROUND ONCE A YEAR. “HA! LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE!”

ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER CORDIALLY INVITES YOU TO TALK SOME SHIT IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. HE FUCKING DARES YOU. FAILING THAT YOU CAN GAWK AT THIS WASTE OF A HUMAN BEING AT TWITTER.COM/ZODIAC_MF.

I GOTTA BE HONEST I DIDN'T EVEN PLAY MUCH OF THIS. I LIKED WHAT I SAW BUT I'M REALLY ONLY PUTTING IT ON HERE BECAUSE AFTER ITS MISERABLE LAUNCH GODDAMN I GOT A LOT OF SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVELOPERS. NOTHING I HATE MORE THAN SEEING SOME QUALITY SHIT FUCKED OVER BY THE FICKLE FINGERS OF DIPSHIT PUBLISHERS. I FEEL LIKE DANCING A JIG LIKE THAT FARMER IN BABE JUST TO CHEER UP RESPAWN.

NOT ONLY DOES THIS COLLECTION INCLUDE THE CLASSIC CAN'T-WIN NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE SIMULATOR MISSILE COMMAND, IT ALSO FEATURES THE GREATEST ATARI 2600 GAME (FAINT FUCKING PRAISE) ADVENTURE. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED. ADVENTURE. AND IN ADVENTURE YOU ARE BOX THE NOTORIOUS THIEF AND MURDERER AND YOU HAVE INVADED THE PEACEFUL LAND OF THE DRAGONS LIKE A GODDAMN CONQUISTADOR TO EXTERMINATE THE LAST OF THEIR NOBLE KIND AND PILLAGE THEIR HOMES FOR USELESS TRINKETS. THERE AIN'T MUCH TO IT BUT THE REMIX MODE (ALSO KNOWN AS “3”) HAD ME PLAYING THIS SHIT WAY LONGER THAN ANYBODY LIVING AFTER THE CARTER ADMINISTRATION SHOULD. AND I REALLY CAME TO ADMIRE THAT LARCENOUS BAT AND HIS BOUNDLESS DEDICATION TO FUCKING WITH ME.

FUNSPOT, BITCH. LACONIA, NEW HAMPSHIRE, BITCH. FUCK YEAH, LIVE FREE OR DIE EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD MAKE A PILGRIMAGE TO FUNSPOT* AT LEAST ONCE AND BEAR WITNESS TO THE GRANDEUR OF DEATH RACE. REAL DRIVING ACTION, NONE OF THIS FORZA BULLSHIT BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IN DEATH RACE IS RUN FUCKERS OVER AND LISTEN TO THEM DIE. THATS RIGHT EVERY VEHICULAR HOMICIDE YOU COMMIT IS ACCOMPANIED BY THE PIERCING SHRIEK OF YOUR DYING VICTIM. IT IS THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECT SINCE Q*BERT CALLED YOU A FUCKER FOR GETTING HIM KILLED AND BELIEVE ME I HEARD THAT SHRIEK PLENTY BECAUSE I RAN OVER ENOUGH MOTHERFUCKERS TO FILL A GRADUATING CLASS. HOLY SHIT THIS GAME RULES. IF THIS WAS SMALL ENOUGH TO STEAL I WOULD'VE WALKED OUT THE FUCKING DOOR WITH IT.

*IT'S ACTUALLY CALLED FUNSPOT FAMILY FUN CENTER BUT THERE'S A BAR IN THE PLACE SO FUCK THAT FAMILY SHIT, LEAVE THEM AT HOME.

DARK SOULS II WAS BETTER. DISAGREE AND BE WRONG, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. MAYBE AFTER FOUR GAMES I'M JUST BURNT OUT ON THIS SHIT. WHO KNOWS? BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THIS: IT’S THE FIRST DARK SOULS I DIDN’T GO 1000/1000 ON. I WAS ONE AND DONE WITH IT AND I DIDN'T EVEN CARE TO TRY THE DLC. IN FACT I'M SO UNENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT THIS SHIT I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD THROW SOMETHING ELSE ON HERE INSTEAD.

HERE IS YOUR WINNER… AND NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW NAH I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU DARK SOULS. IT REALLY SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE DARK SOULS FRANCHISE THAT EVEN A MIDDLING ENTRY IS STILL ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES OF THE YEAR. BUT GODDAMN.

YEAH YEAH THIS GAME'S FOUR YEARS OLD, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I'M HERE AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO TELL YOU TO APPROACH THIS SHIT WITH CAUTION BECAUSE CRUSADER KINGS II IS ALL-CONSUMING. IT'LL SNATCH YOUR WEEKEND LIKE THE FUCKING POLICE. THERE WILL BE NOTHING ELSE. YOU'LL SIT THERE, HUNCHED OVER YOUR FUCKING LAPTOP PLAYING THIS SHIT AND CURSING YOURSELF FOR HAVING TO TAKE A PISS INSTEAD OF JUST GETTING UP AND TAKING THAT PISS. SEE HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: ONE FINE DAY A STRANGER MATERIALIZED OUT OF NOWHERE TO GIFT THIS THING TO ME LIKE A GODDAMN MONKEY'S PAW, THEN DISAPPEARED IN A PUFF OF SMOKE, AND BEFORE I KNEW IT MY VERY FUCKING LIFE FORCE WAS BEING DRAINED. AND MAN FOR AWHILE I JUST DIDN’T GIVE A FUCK. I WAS ABSOLUTELY ENTHRALLED BY THE PURE DYNASTIC OWNAGE THAT CKII OFFERS. TYRANNY. ASSASSINATION. EXECUTION. THROWING CHILDREN INTO THE DUNGEON *UNDER* THE FUCKING DUNGEON. POLITICAL CONNIVING. COUSIN-FUCKING. FRATRICIDE. FABRICATING PHONY REASONS TO GO TO WAR. THIEVING LAND. RAISING TAXES. PISSING OFF THE POPE. HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS OF MY BASEST GAME OF THRONES-INSPIRED FANTASIES. AND I BARELY EVEN SCRATCHED THE SURFACE OF THIS THING. ALL I KNOW IS THAT FOR A FEW TERRIFYING DAYS CRUSADER KINGS II TOOK AWAY MY WILL TO EAT DRINK AND SHOWER. I HAD TO WALK AWAY.

HEY I'M SURE FAR HARBOR WAS AWESOME, BUT I AIN'T HERE TO TALK ABOUT THAT SHIT. I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT WHATEVER DLC PACK IT WAS THAT ALLOWED ME TO BUILD ZODIAC COLOSSEUM, THE PREMIER VENUE FOR POSTAPOCALYPTIC CITIZENS OF MEANS WHO WANNA WATCH INNOCENT PEOPLE FIGHT FOR THEIR USELESS FUCKING LIVES AGAINST DEATHCLAWS, MIRELURKS, AND RADSCORPIONS. ZODIAC COLOSSEUM OFFERS PREMIUM SEATING, A FULL SERVICE BAR, THE FINEST SECURITY HARDWARE THAT MONEY CAN BUY, AND PLENTY OF BROKEDICK MOTHERFUCKERS WILLING TO DIE FOR YOUR FLEETING AMUSEMENT. YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT FOLKS. SLURSDAY! SLURSDAY! SLURSDAY! AT ZODIAC COLOSSEUM!

NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT. PIMP STICK PIMP WHIP FUCK YEAH. I BOUGHT A PS4 FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSE OF PLAYING THIS FUCKING GAME AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING: THAT BASTARDASS PARALLELOGRAM COST ME $300 AND CURRENTLY RESIDES IN MY CLOSET BUT I HAVE NO REGRETS BECAUSE BLOODBORNE WAS THAT GODDAMN GOOD. EVEN PS4'S THUMBBREAKING 1995-ASS CONTROLLER WITH ITS DUMB FUCKING BLUE LIGHT AND ASSBACKWARDS LAYOUT COULDNT KEEP ME FROM PUTTING 100 HOURS INTO THIS THING. SURE YOU GO THE WHOLE GAME DRESSED LIKE SOME STEAMPUNK ASSHOLE, AND YOU SPEND MORE TIME FISTING PIGS THAN I THOUGHT POSSIBLE IN A TRIPLE-A RELEASE, BUT THE HORROR, THE FUCKING HORROR OF THIS GAME. IT'S SOME BRUTAL SHIT AND I WAS FUCKING AWED BY IT. ONLY COMPLAINTS ARE THAT IT AIN'T GOT THE DIVERSE PLAYSTYLES AND CUSTOMIZATION OPTIONS OF DARK SOULS PROPER, AND THE MULTIPLAYER IS PLENTY HALF-ASSED BUT FUCK IT: THIS THING KICKS DARK SOULS III’S FUCKING ASS.

GAMERS TEND TO BE CHINTZY-ASS CHEAP FUCKERS WHO FEAR CHANGE AND TAKE IT AS A PERSONAL INSULT THAT GAMES EXIST AS A MONEYMAKING ENTERPRISE, SO IT AIN'T ANY KINDA SURPRISE THAT FANS WEREN'T DOWN WITH THE EPISODIC STRUCTURE INTRODUCED IN THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF THE VENERABLE HITMAN SERIES. “THEY'RE SELLING US AN UNFINISHED GAME! GREEDY CORPORATIONS! CASH GRAB! CASH GRAB!” ALL THAT COMMIE BULLSHIT. AND EVEN THOUGH HITMAN'S ALWAYS GONNA BE A DAY ONE PURCHASE FOR ME, I WASN'T ENTIRELY CONVINCED EITHER: I DOWNLOADED THAT STARTER PACK AND ZIPPED RIGHT THROUGH IT AND THOUGHT WELL SHIT I GUESS THAT'S THAT AND I FORGOT ABOUT IT. BUT THEN ONE DAY I WAS OUT SUPPORTING MY LOCAL BARTENDER WHEN I GOT AN ALERT ON MY PHONE: IT WAS AN ASSASSINATION BRIEFING. SOMEONE NEEDS KILLING. TIME TO GET BACK TO WORK, AGENT 47. SO I DID. I WENT HOME AND HANDLED THAT CONTRACT, SIGNED OFF, AND WAITED FOR THE NEXT ONE.

AND IT WAS LIKE THAT ALL YEAR LONG. I'D BE LIVING MY HUMBLE LIFE HANGING OUT AT OTB, SMOKING CIGARETTES AND SCRATCHING OFF LOSING LOTTERY TICKETS OR HITTING UP THE ARBYS DRIVE-THRU FUCKING *PISSED* THAT THEY STILL HAVEN'T BROUGHT BACK THE ARBY-Q, OR LYING BELLY-UP ON MY COUCH WONDERING WHY THIS DUMBASS ON WHEEL OF FORTUNE KEEPS BUYING VOWELS WHEN THE PUZZLE IS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS, AND THEN OUT OF THE BLUE I'D GET THE ALERT: “GOOD AFTERNOON 47, WE NEED YOU IN BANGKOK TO KILL SOME SHITBAG DICTATOR AND HIS MISTRESS” OR “GOOD AFTERNOON 47, THIS MILLENNIAL TOPKNOT FUCKHEAD IS JUST BEGGING TO BE KILLED” OR “GOOD AFTERNOON 47, GO MURDER THIS BALD ASSHOLE IN PARIS HE STOLE AN EGG.” HOLY SHIT I FELT LIKE CRUISE IN COLLATERAL EVERY SINGLE TIME. JUST SEND ME THE FUCKING DOSSIER AND IT'S AS GOOD AS DONE. AND NOT ONLY WAS ALL THAT A FUN IMMERSIVE ADDITION TO A GREAT GAME, THE YEAR-LONG STRUCTURE OF IT KEPT HITMAN ON MY MIND A HELL OF A LOT LONGER THAN YOUR AVERAGE TRIFLING-ASS BEAT-IT-IN-A-WEEKEND-AND-FUCKING-FORGET-IT BLOCKBUSTER BULLSHIT. SO ALL THESE IDIOT HITMAN FANS WHO WERE BEATING THEIR CHESTS AND SAYING “I'LL PLAY THE GAME WHEN IT'S *FINISHED*!” ONLY WOUND UP PLAYING THEMSELVES. THEY MISSED OUT ON WHAT MADE THIS ONE OF THE BEST FUCKING GAMING EXPERIENCES OF 2016.

BATTLEFIELD FUCK YEAH THIS SERIES IS AN ALL-TIME FAVORITE HERE AT HOUSE ZODIAC AND AS EXPECTED BATTLEFIELD 1 IS NO EXCEPTION. BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHY THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR IS THE GAME WHERE BATTLEFIELD FINALLY LIVED UP TO ITS POTENTIAL. THIS IS A GAME THAT DEALS IN THE GRISLIEST FUCKING OWNAGE IMAGINABLE: WORLD WAR ONE. DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE OWNAGE, AND IF YOU'RE GONNA INVOKE A MOTHERFUCKING WORLD WAR YOU BETTER COME ALL THE WAY WITH IT, AND BATTLEFIELD 1 DOES JUST THAT. BAYONET IN YOUR CHEST, BAYONET IN YOUR FUCKING NECK. KILLING YOU WITH A FUCKING CLUB, KILLING YOU WITH A MOTHERFUCKING SHOVEL, KILLING YOU WITH A GODDAMN FUCKING CAVALRY SABRE, OR BETTER YET KILLING YOU WITH A RANDOM-ASS MORTAR BLAST BECAUSE DEATH IS WHIMSICAL LIKE THAT. SETTING YOUR ASS ON FIRE IN AN OILY BLAZE OR JUST GASSING YOU TO DEATH BECAUSE IT'S EASIER THAN FINDING YOUR FUCKING ASS. OR FUCK IT MAYBE JUST BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF WITH A SHOTGUN AND KEEP IT SIMPLE. AND THAT'S JUST THE FACE TO FACE SHIT. I WONT EVEN GET INTO THE ENTIRE FUCKING TOWNS YOU CAN DESTROY OR THE AWESOME RICKETY LUMBERING FUCKING DEATH MACHINES RAVAGING THE COUNTRYSIDE OR THE HORSES THAT ARE ALL MORE THAN HAPPY TO TRAMPLE YOUR FUCKING ASS INTO DUST. IT IS OWNAGE AT ITS MOST TRANSCENDENT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT BEWILDERED ME ABOUT BATTLEFIELD 1 WAS EVERYBODY ONLINE ALL BUGGING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT IT. “WHA WHY HOW COULD YOU MAKE A GAME ABOUT A *WAR*?!!” LIKE THAT'S SOME NEW DEVELOPMENT. ALL THESE SCOLDING-ASS THINKPIECE WRITERS WHOSE MOST PROFOUND STRUGGLE IN LIFE IS FINDING A FUCKING NES CLASSIC EDITION SUDDENLY DECIDED THEY WERE GONNA INSTRUCT US ALL ABOUT THE HORRORS OF WAR AND RESPECTING THE DEAD. "WAR ISN'T FUN! THIS ISN'T REALISTIC!" WELL HOLY SHIT, SORRY THE BATTLEFIELD TEAM MADE A BATTLEFIELD GAME INSTEAD OF A VIDEO GAME ADAPTATION OF JOHNNY GOT HIS FUCKING GUN. "IT'S DISRESPECTFUL!" FUCK ALL THAT. LISTEN, IF YOU ASSHOLES WANNA PRETEND YOU GIVE A SHIT ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE FROM A HUNDRED YEARS AGO, HEY, HAVE THE FUCK AT IT. I'LL BE COVERING MYSELF IN GLORY OUT ON THE MOTHERFUCKING BATTLEFIELD. AND GASSING FUCKERS TO DEATH WHILE I DO IT.

DOOM DOOM DOOM FUCK YES DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. NOT ONLY DO WE AT LONG LAST HAVE A NEW INSTALLMENT IN THE LEGENDARY AND LONG DORMANT DOOM FRANCHISE, I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT UNLIKE THAT FUCKING FLASHLIGHT SIMULATOR THEY CALLED DOOM 3, THIS ONE IS TRULY WORTHY OF THE DOOM NAME. AND BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT I DON’T OFFER UP SUCH PRAISE FREELY. THE ORIGINAL DOOM GAMES ARE LIKE SACRED TOMES TO ME. TO THIS DAY I'LL FIRE THEM UP AND JUST WEEP AT THEIR MAJESTY. BUT DOOM 2016 FINALLY DOES THEM JUSTICE. NO MORE COWERING IN THE DARK LIKE SOME FUTURISTIC WUSS, BECAUSE THIS ONE DEMANDS THAT YOU CHARGE INTO BATTLE LIKE A HEEDLESS DUMBASS AND JUST LAY FUCKING WASTE. AND IT DOUBLES DOWN ON THE THREE ASPECTS THAT MADE THE ORIGINAL DOOM GAMES THE ALL-TIME CLASSICS THAT THEY ARE:

METAL. AWESOME SOUNDTRACK INSPIRED BY THE MIDI-THRASH OF THE ORIGINAL DOOM AND FANTASTIC MONSTER DESIGNS THAT'D MAKE RONNIE JAMES DIO PROUD.

SATAN. ALL KINDS OF PENTAGRAMS AND SATANIC RUNES AND RITUALS AND SHIT. DEMON POSSESSION AND HUMAN SACRIFICES AND BODIES DEFILED AND BLOOD ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE.

OWNAGE. GLIDING AROUND LIKE SOCKS ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR DEALING DEATH AND TURNING THE ENTIRE LEVEL INTO A TOMB. KILLING MOTHERFUCKERS WITH YOUR GODDAMN HANDS. TEARING THESE DEMONIC ASSHOLES LIMB FROM LIMB FROM GODDAMN LIMB, RIPPING THEIR HEADS IN HALF, SNAPPING THEIR NECKS, SNAPPING THEIR FUCKING LEGS, STOMPING THESE FUCKERS TO DEATH WITH THEIR OWN FUCKING FOOT. THIS IS A GAME WHERE THE MOST USELESS WEAPON IS THE SNIPER RIFLE, BECAUSE REALLY WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANNA SIT BACK AND TAKE POTSHOTS WHEN YOU CAN BUMRUSH THESE SATANIC FUCKERS, BREAK OFF ONE OF THEIR HORNS, AND SLICE THEIR FUCKING THROAT OPEN WITH IT? AND ALL THAT’S JUST GRAVY ON TOP OF THE NONSTOP MINIGUN OWNAGE, RPG OWNAGE, SAWED-OFF DOUBLE BARREL OWNAGE, AND MOTHERFUCKING CHAINSAW OWNAGE. I DON’T KNOW WHY I NEVER HAVE TO RELOAD MY SHOTGUN AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. DOOM'S JUST GOT NO TIME FOR THAT SHIT.

METAL. SATAN. OWNAGE. A SIMPLE FORMULA ADDING UP TO A MASTERWORK THAT HARKS BACK TO A TRUE GOLDEN AGE. I WAS A FOOL TO SIT ON THIS GAME ALL YEAR. IF YOU MADE THE SAME MISTAKE, THEN RECTIFY. BEND THE KNEE TO THE MIGHTY DOOM. I AIN'T ASKING, AND DOOM AIN'T EITHER.


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